Grief doesn’t come in five linear phases like they say. It’s unpredictable and unreasonable. At least that’s been my experience. It’s been over two years since my sister committed suicide and even though I don’t feel that deep, aching sadness on a daily basis anymore, I have no doubt that the grief has lodged itself deep in my bones. When I least expect it, it rears its ugly, beautiful head and breaks free in showers of tears, shudders and moans, thrashing and roaring, leaving an exhausted, shattered, shell in its wake. But, as painful and depleting as it can be, I believe that sometimes we need to experience that emptiness in order to find fullness again.
I’ve been thinking a lot recently about how we’re taught from an early age not to express certain emotions. How sadness, grief, anger, frustration and even elation are all taboo. We’re taught to take a deep breath and remain calm. Otherwise, we’re “crazy.” What if instead, we were taught to let it all go; to express our feelings freely, however they choose to manifest themselves? I think we’d all be happier, healthier human beings if we felt free to laugh uncontrollably, dance in the streets, yell, sob, moan, and shake.
Last month, during my seasonal Ayurvedic cleanse, while lying in shavasana one day, I lost control of my body and started crying, shaking, flailing and screaming. The episode lasted only a few minutes, but to be honest, it scared me a little. I felt totally out of control (something that’s always been hard for me) and immediately started wondering if I was losing it and having a mental breakdown (an ongoing fear of mine that I’ve been working on). In reality, it was just my body letting go of some of that grief and anger I’d been holding onto for years. Afterwards, I felt lighter and freer; a weight lifted. There was more room in my heart for all the good stuff. I’ve heard from multiple people who have had similar experiences and feel more strongly than ever that expressing our emotions is essential for long term mental, emotional and physical health and well-being. Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, don’t be afraid to feel. To quote one of my favorite childhood songs, “It’s alright to feel things, though the feelings may be strange.”
And after you’ve listened to the song and had a good, long, ugly, beautiful cry, go make yourself a cozy Pistachio Rose Matcha Latte. Continue reading for the recipe…
*This post was sponsored by Diamond Nuts. Thank you for supporting my work by supporting my sponsors. All thoughts and opinions are my own.
Pistachio Rose Matcha Latte
Serves 2
INGREDIENTS
1 cup raw shelled pistachios, soaked overnight
2 teaspoons matcha powder
1 teaspoon rose water
1 teaspoon raw cashew butter
1 teaspoon raw honey
PROCEDURE
Drain and rinse the soaked pistachios then add them to the container of a high speed blender with 2 cups cold water. Blend on high for 15-30 seconds. Pour the pistachio milk through a fine mesh sieve or a nut milk bag into a medium pot and discard the pulp (or save it for another use). Warm the pistachio milk over medium heat until barely simmering (do not boil). Rinse out the blender. Combine the matcha, rose water, cashew butter and honey in the blender, add the warm milk, and blend on high for 10-15 seconds, until frothy. Serve immediately.
I’m just finding your site for the first time, and I already love the few recipes I’ve looked at! Everything looks beautiful and there’s a comforting vibe that I really appreciate. I’ll be bookmarking lots of these to try!
I know I am coming to this post quite late, but I wanted to say how struck I was by your frankness about your grief and about your sister’s suicide. I am incredibly sorry for what you have suffered (and what she suffered). I haven’t been through the same thing personally, but my family has some intense mental health struggles and there have been some very close calls. I think it is hard but so important to be honest about these things – I think even using the word “suicide” is brave and can be so helpful to others who are also grieving similar things and probably feel quite alone.
I hope you’re continuing to find peace, and I would imagine that directly facing the feelings and being open about them may help to make that journey better. <3
Beautiful. Thank you.
So sorry you lost your sister. I lost my brother 5 years ago to cancer. Grief changes over time but it’s such a great teacher. I’m surprised how humbling it is to just have a relationship with your self and grief at the same time. I gotta try soaking pistachios overnight!
I totally agree about grief being a good teacher. I’ve learned so much about myself and how I move through the world. So sorry for your loss.
Yes! Yes Sasha, to all of what you expressed! My sense and experience has been that the more that I allow myself to go to those dark and beautiful places, the more I can have room for joy and gratitude. It amazes me what the body knows. And with grief, the expressions can come out when we least expect it. I honor that you allowed crying, shaking, flailing and screaming. You were open to this and you expressed it here. Thank you for naming and giving voice to what many are too afraid to face.
Now, for a quick question on joy and gratitude. I am struck by the beauty of those blossoms! Are they bursting in Seattle now? What are they? In Upstate New York, we are still blossom-less. It is just a matter of time!
Thanks for setting such a good example 🙂 Yes, Seattle is full of cherry and plum blossoms at the moment. So beautiful.
Oh, is it weird to cry during yoga? I do it all the time and didn’t even think about it! [insert cringing emoticon here]…..
Not at all! I cry all the time during yoga too. This was different though. More of an uncontrollable full body release of energy/grief experience.
Um, yes, absolutely to all that you’ve written! I’ve spent the past few months reading “The Language of Emotions” and the chapter on grief struck me the most, as it portrayed the seemingly “normal” grief practice of formalizing it for a brief time and then “moving on” rather than truly feeling it, weeping, wailing, etc. and allowing those honest, truly grieving feelings to move through us and out. It sounds like , despite your fears, you were able to really do that in the way we’re meant to. Hopefully it’s allowing some good to come in the aftermath! 🙂
Beautiful as always and Heart felt. Made me think of Marlo thomas “free to be you and me” and the song “it’s ok to cry” It is !